When my gut reaction is inappropriate (and how I got kicked off a message board)

I just noticed that one of the searches that apparently led some poor soul to my blog is “what do i call my ex step father’s wife.”  While that is a valid concern, given my personal history and current feelings on the subject of ex-step-fathers, the very first thing that popped into my head when I read that was “A STRANGER!!!” Hahahahaha!  I love it when I’m the only one who finds my jokes funny.  At least I’m having a good time, eh?  But if we are indeed leaving the hypothetical realm and referring to my specific ex-step-father’s girlfriend, I’ve gotta go with “ignorant slut.”  That’s probably not entirely fair to the woman, but… I think I deserve some slack in this instance.

I used to be a member of a message board that went from a meeting place for knowledgeable horsepeople and equestrians to a motley collection of ignorant rednecks all wanting a place to constantly pat each other on the back.   I kept up with it long after I should have thrown in the towel, but that’s how it goes.  Toward the end, I used to scan down the pages of thread topics and amuse myself by blurting out the very first thing that came to mind when I read their asinine questions.  Allow me to provide you with a few examples: (please note that I have copied the thread titles exactly as they exist on the message board, to give you with the full effect)

Tape worms – do you worm for them? – Oh my god, you own animals and don’t know this?

Riding program for underprivilidged kids???? – yeah, that sounds like a fantastic idea.  you know they don’t always get balanced meals, so why don’t you finish the day with a snack of brie and caviar?

Sitting Trot is tough! – no shit, sherlock.

Does Color play a part in Temperament? – hehehe, equine racism!  do blonds really have more fun?

Laws for buyer of Lame Horse? – um, ever heard of “buyer beware?”  and I’d bet fifty bucks right now that you didn’t have a full prepurchase vet exam done on this horse.*  quit your whining.

Rider weight percentage? – if you have to ask, then you’re definitely too fat for that poor little horse you want to ride.  how ’bout you take a few rides on the stationary bike first?

rider weight spinoff – oh for crying out loud, KEEP THE FATTIES OFF THE PONIES!

Can i tell if my mare is pregnant? UPDATE! – not on the internet you can’t.  there are people who can help you with this though… they’re called veterinarians.  and I’m really scared about what that UPDATE may turn out to be.

Any Images Of Waxing Teets? – wonder what she saw when she googled that?!?!?

What would you get? Crossbreeding… – an unregisterable mutt.

Well we got hitched on Saturday… but – I don’t even want to read this one.  and why is this on a horse message board??

Believe it or not, I did not ever actually post anything like these responses (but it wasn’t because I didn’t want to, or because I wasn’t often right).  Despite my exemplary self-control, they eventually banned me from the damn board.  I did get a little riled up when the owner of the site didn’t deliver an ad I’d paid for and wouldn’t ever process the paypal refund he promised me.  I did eventually get a partial refund with a lovely email informing me that I was a pain in his ass.  Then when he started screwing other people on the board in similar ways, I got kicked off because I refused to follow the new rule that we couldn’t say any “bad” things about the owner on the board.  Ah, the drama.  But it’s all good.  I can say whatever the hell I want about them here.

NC Horse News – screw you, bitches!

*I was right.  Didn’t even get a bill of sale on the horse.  Are you f’ing kidding me?

That’s my story and I’m stickin’ to it.

I have been horribly negligent of you, dearest blog.  Please forgive me.  It will definitely happen again, probably right after this post, but I hope you will still love me.

I once emailed a teacher when I had to miss class… I told her that I had lots of good excuses I would be happy to provide her with, and to let me know if she wanted to hear them.  I think it must have gotten at least a chuckle because I was totally excused and she even took my assignment that was due that day late with no penalties.  So, dear blog, I would be happy to give you my list of excuses if you would like.  Yes?  Ok, sure… um…

1 – Exam time.  All my free time (and by free time I mean the time that is not taken up with sleeping, classes, or my nightly tv schedule) is devoted to schoolwork.  Or facebook.

2 – I’ve been reading a lot of other blogs and using up my creative juices writing witty comments.

3 – TreasureIsle.  You know, one of those zynga games on facebook?  I’m totally, hopelessly addicted.  But do not fear, like all of my fixations (like farmville), I will reach a point soon where I am OVER it and will never play it again.  Not sure how much longer that will take, though.

4 – I got a new bike… and lost my mind.

Oh, #4 not clear enough for you?  Ok.  Here’s what happened.  I got a cool new bike and felt like a kid on Christmas morning.  It’s soooo preeetttyy!    A few days after said bike arrived and had taken me on some super-fun spins around the neighborhood, I was talking to my mom.  She mentioned an organized bike ride for the MS Society that she was interested in riding, but she didn’t have anyone to ride with her.  A good friend is the organizer and after this year she will be handing it off to the MS Society to run as one of the training rides for their huge fall Bike MS ride.  So of course I said, “I’d love to ride with you!”  And it was is the truth.  I am very excited.  It’s a really cool ride that is based at a vineyard and we get to slog down a bunch of wine when we’re done .  Endorphins + alcohol.  Oh yeah!  Only one problem.  The shortest distance for the ride is 25 miles (in the rolling NC piedmont) and I have been riding for a week.  Before that it had been nine long years since my ass had graced a bicycle saddle.  The ride is on May 22.  Oh. God.  What. Have. I. Done.

I’ve been riding for a week, did 10 miles yesterday and 8 today.  It’s going well… but I foresee much more physical activity over the next few weeks than I normally engage in unless under duress.  But then again, maybe this counts as duress…

I will keep you updated, dearest blog.  And now, for my final excuse:

5 – my entire body hurts so much from bicycle boot camp that I can’t even move my fingers enough to type a blog post.  Pass the ibuprofen?

PS – the ride is Gears and Cheers, all profits go to the Multiple Sclerosis Society, and fantastic organization.  They have rides nationwide, if anyone is interested.  Many of them are beginner-friendly.  And you will get a full report once I’ve survived my own first MS ride!