I just noticed that one of the searches that apparently led some poor soul to my blog is “what do i call my ex step father’s wife.” While that is a valid concern, given my personal history and current feelings on the subject of ex-step-fathers, the very first thing that popped into my head when I read that was “A STRANGER!!!” Hahahahaha! I love it when I’m the only one who finds my jokes funny. At least I’m having a good time, eh? But if we are indeed leaving the hypothetical realm and referring to my specific ex-step-father’s girlfriend, I’ve gotta go with “ignorant slut.” That’s probably not entirely fair to the woman, but… I think I deserve some slack in this instance.
I used to be a member of a message board that went from a meeting place for knowledgeable horsepeople and equestrians to a motley collection of ignorant rednecks all wanting a place to constantly pat each other on the back. I kept up with it long after I should have thrown in the towel, but that’s how it goes. Toward the end, I used to scan down the pages of thread topics and amuse myself by blurting out the very first thing that came to mind when I read their asinine questions. Allow me to provide you with a few examples: (please note that I have copied the thread titles exactly as they exist on the message board, to give you with the full effect)
Tape worms – do you worm for them? – Oh my god, you own animals and don’t know this?
Riding program for underprivilidged kids???? – yeah, that sounds like a fantastic idea. you know they don’t always get balanced meals, so why don’t you finish the day with a snack of brie and caviar?
Sitting Trot is tough! – no shit, sherlock.
Does Color play a part in Temperament? – hehehe, equine racism! do blonds really have more fun?
Laws for buyer of Lame Horse? – um, ever heard of “buyer beware?” and I’d bet fifty bucks right now that you didn’t have a full prepurchase vet exam done on this horse.* quit your whining.
Rider weight percentage? – if you have to ask, then you’re definitely too fat for that poor little horse you want to ride. how ’bout you take a few rides on the stationary bike first?
rider weight spinoff – oh for crying out loud, KEEP THE FATTIES OFF THE PONIES!
Can i tell if my mare is pregnant? UPDATE! – not on the internet you can’t. there are people who can help you with this though… they’re called veterinarians. and I’m really scared about what that UPDATE may turn out to be.
Any Images Of Waxing Teets? – wonder what she saw when she googled that?!?!?
What would you get? Crossbreeding… – an unregisterable mutt.
Well we got hitched on Saturday… but – I don’t even want to read this one. and why is this on a horse message board??
Believe it or not, I did not ever actually post anything like these responses (but it wasn’t because I didn’t want to, or because I wasn’t often right). Despite my exemplary self-control, they eventually banned me from the damn board. I did get a little riled up when the owner of the site didn’t deliver an ad I’d paid for and wouldn’t ever process the paypal refund he promised me. I did eventually get a partial refund with a lovely email informing me that I was a pain in his ass. Then when he started screwing other people on the board in similar ways, I got kicked off because I refused to follow the new rule that we couldn’t say any “bad” things about the owner on the board. Ah, the drama. But it’s all good. I can say whatever the hell I want about them here.
NC Horse News – screw you, bitches!
*I was right. Didn’t even get a bill of sale on the horse. Are you f’ing kidding me?